Friday, September 7, 2012
The other morning whilst nursing Michael, I was watching some generic weekday morning show. (There's not much one can do while nursing- impossible to read while nursing in a recliner!) The host was babbling on and one about the weather and the presidential candidates- and finally came to the topic of September being a time of back-to-school resolutions for Moms. As a former teacher, I MISS going back-to-school shopping. The scent of freshly sharpened pencils and the ecstasy that comes with buying rainbow colored sticky notes and blank notebooks- and planning how I would teach this up and coming year- evaluating how well I taught the students the previous year, and making notes about how I wanted to change my methodology. I know that all too soon, Joseph will begin school and I will be going through a similar inventory. For the time being, however, I DO want to look at September as a time to re-evaluate and to make new resolutions. I think that it is fitting that this is done as autumn quickly approaches. The leaves are turning from a vibrant green to gold, scarlet and orange and a chill is beginning to settle in the air (at night anyway), and in the back of our minds we know that soon everything will be veiled in sparkling white, adds to my inner yearning for change. Perhaps this seems especially pertinent to me as of late since I just gave birth to our third boy, little Michael! (Or perhaps I only feel this way because my hormones are raging due to the fact that I just gave birth, I'm nursing and trying to keep up with two toddlers while deciding whether or not it is feasible to stay at home...) In any case, about a week before I went into labor, I decided I needed to buy a new notebook. It's one of those pretty notebooks- various shades of blue with swirls- a notebook that looks classy. Not one of those flimsy one subject 70 page notebooks that will last all of two months before getting destroyed due to constant page turning. I wanted the notebook. I NEEDED this notebook. I've been anxious to use any spare time I can get to write and read- to get my thoughts in order. And yet- that notebook is still blankly staring up at me. There's something that can be almost crippling at time about wanting to take a new step- something that makes one feel like any move will make something permanent- like there is no going back. Something that makes little blue pen markings seem like whatever is written is going to be irreversible. Final. Something that makes me forget the beauty of White-Out or using pencil. That mistakes can be fixed. There are so many things to do- so many changes that need to be made- so many things that will not go away unless action is taken. And yet, that notebook still stares up at me blankly. The resolutions and ideas continue to marinate- but I think it's about time to put pen to paper and write. To evaluate. How am I going to be a better mother? Wife? How am I going to make to to sit down for five minutes and be "alone" with God? How am I going to juggle three kids when my husband returns to work the week after next? How are we going to survive on one income if I need to stay home- and how are we going to survive now that my husband has been moved to third shift? And how are we going to do all of this with one car? So many questions- and only one answer: HOPE and TRUST in God...while doing your best to juggle everything.