As I was sitting in the rectory this morning during Liturgy Committee meeting, and we were planning all of the events for Holy Week- my stomach began to rumble, and visions of golden fries and chocolate milkshakes danced through my head. And as the discussions and planning continued, all I could think about was steak.
I was so relieved at the conclusion of the meeting when I could come home and fix something to eat- which ended up to be fishsticks and tater tots. NOT healthy at all, but the meal satisfied my weird pregnancy craving!
As of late, it has been difficult for me to focus on much of anything...besides my increased appetite, and my work. I grow so frustrated at times because it is difficult for me (with this particular job) to just focus on prayer, or Mass. When I'm able, I go to Sunday Mass in a different town with my family just to avoid having work conversations. I feel like people don't understand that I have a family, or a life, outside of my job.
Spiritual life bleeds into work- work bleeds into family- and as much as I appreciate the volunteers, I would like to meet people that are our age so we could socialize and make friends for our babies. But when would we have the time, even if that were possible?
I wish it were possible to set up boundaries- to compartmentalize different areas of my life- just to have a feeling of space and relief- to be able to forget about just one of the components for a little while. I can't even go grocery shopping without someone recognizing me and asking me questions about CCD!
I pray that something will happen soon so that my husband will be employed. I am even willing to move again, out of state. I wish we could start fresh- get our own place again...that if I had to work, I wouldn't have to have the position that I'm in now. I miss teaching immensely- and I don't feel like being an administrator is my particular calling, even if I can do it well- and I would prefer not to be "known." It seems like everyone knows who I am and knows things about me, and yet, I don't even know who they are! I suppose that goes along with the job when you are in charge of a ministry...and perhaps that is part of the burden. But I miss the days when I could walk around anonymously- when I could just let go and relax.
I feel as if I haven't even had time to really enjoy my pregnancy because of all the issues that have been surrounding our family as of late. I crave simplicity. I crave silence- and I pray that with this Easter Season, that even if the Lord does not grant that my husband finds a job, that he will give us the strength to resign to his will. Truthfully, I don't feel like I have much strength left. Only God can suffice.